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May 10, 2012

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Field Day

Three years ago, I learned a little secret: no matter how highly I regard my California education experience and childhood, I was ripped off.

Ripped.  Off.

And, as far as I can tell, generations of people from California (and other states on the West Coast) have been similarly robbed.

Here’s why.

I recently stumbled across an event that almost Every Single adult whom I know (other than people from the West Coast) participated in during their school year.  The event is called Field Day.  I knew nothing about it – never heard of the concept and lived my life blissfully unaware.    However, now I know what field day is, and its absence from my childhood experience stings.

For all of you who, like me, are unfamiliar with Field Day, allow me to explain:  Field Day is one spring day during the school year where elementary-aged kids suspend classes and spend the entire day outside playing “field” games.  Classes divide into teams and compete in stuff like three-legged races, potato sack relays, tugs-o-war, and other games that make children happy.  On this blissful day, kids spend their time scooting through obstacle courses, throwing water balloons, and competing in hula hoop competitions.  If you Google “field day games,” there are 33,900,000 results.  If you Google, “Joy Phenix’s memory of Field Day,” you get a sad face and an image of a melancholy girl sitting in a barren classroom studying times tables.”  (Not really…but that’s what should come up).

What is wrong with California?  Why didn’t our schools do this??  Did this activity someone offend someone’s organic sensibilities?  Was there a hyper-concern about UV rays?  Were we some how OVER-exercised already?  Or was Field Day  just too much fun for anyone to support?

Maybe our teachers were deprived of Field Day themselves, and they didn’t know any better.   Hmmm.  That’s a interesting theory.  I’ll have to look into that one more.

When I ask people if they have every heard of Field Day, the most common response is “Of course!  I still have RIBBONS from Field Day.”  After talking about their ribbons, the other (unprompted) comment I get from people who grew up in reasonable states is, “Field Day is the BEST day of the school year.”

Me: “Womp, womp, womp.”

Yes.  I believe that it would have been the best day of ANY school year.  Any school day that involves not studying, fun in the sun, and random snacks has to rank up there as pretty excellent.

Tomorrow is Field Day at my kids’ school.  This is my second favorite day to live in Georgia because I see an upgrade to my kids’ elementary education. (FYI, my MOST favorite day to live here is the day after UCLA loses to USC in football since I don’t have anyone around me who cares one iota about Pac-Ten…er…Twelve football — but that’s a different post for a different day.).  I am happy that my kiddos get to experience something that I missed.

I hope they’ll share their ribbons with me.

I feel I deserve it.

What about you?  Did you participate in this ritual?  Did you win ribbons?  Or are you a Californian?

 

May 9, 2012

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The Awkward Date Night

Recently, I wrote a post advocating that you have to be hyper-vigilant to close the gaps in your marriage or any relationship that you wish to keep healthy. I followed up with a few practical tips to help keep the gaps from forming in the first place. One of those tips was to intentionally find a time to ask each other tough questions. The goal for asking tough questions isn’t to make your spouse squirm; it’s to make YOU squirm.

Feedback is extremely important in any relationship (especially marriage), so intentionally creating a scenario where you say “bring it on – I’m ready for input” will help you grow and will help keep your marriage healthy.

Billy and I have a few of those settings and one of them is called an “Awkward Date Night” because, quite frankly, it can get awkward in a hurry. However, if you plan for this night, it can improve your marriage.

The goal for an Awkward Date Night (ADN) is to intentionally set aside a dinner or coffee to talk through stuff that needs to be talked about but hasn’t…primarily because a person doesn’t know how to broach a subject or because the other person is typically oblivious about the issue, thus making the chat “awkward.” ADNs provide an outlet to get a few things out on the table. It’s a band-aid ripping kind of night…but, again, really, really good for a relationship.

On our ADNs, we’ve covered everything from feeling competitive with iPhones, to texting while driving, to missed expectations, to some much deeper stuff that we’ll leave to your imagination. The conversations are tough, but necessary for a healthy relationship.

If you’re brave enough to schedule one of these nights yourself, I thought it might be helpful to hear a few of the ground rules and an assortment of questions that we use to get you started. Please customize so these work for you!

Ground Rules:

  1. Plan the night in advance – This is not the kind of evening that you want to spring on your spouse or wander into, especially if one of you is more verbally skilled than the other (i.e., “Hey, honey, let’s play a little game tonight called ‘What annoys you most?” Not good.) Instead, give each other some prep time to think through questions, toughen up for feedback, and prepare to speak and listen well.
  2. Take turns asking questions. – This keeps one person from ending up with all of the “air time.” This also keeps the conversation a two-way street.
  3. No repeating questions – So if Billy asks me what’s the “one thing” I’d change about him, I can’t turn around and ask the same question. This is a cop-out and relieves the strategy of “asking” a question just so you can get a platform to air your dirty laundry about your spouse. This also ensures that you’ll be asking questions that are best set for you to learn about YOU!
  4. Listen – Listen – Listen – If you are unclear about what your spouse means by a response, ask clarifying questions. Your only priority in asking questions is to get clearer answers. Don’t ask questions as a backdoor defense strategy. Passive-aggressive questions kill the heart of the mission…and discourage the answerer. Speaking of defending yourself…
  5. Never defend yourself – Your spouse’s perception of you IS reality to them, so listen and take it in. “You shouldn’t feel that way,” is not a proper response. Silence is better than that. Don’t defend any situation from your perspective because that simply shows a lack of respect for your spouse’s thoughts. Take it like a grown-up.
  6. End on a positive – Plan, in advance, what you want to say that will affirm in your spouse. Think of what you admire in your husband. Articulate what you appreciate in your wife. You need to end your time together sharing these things. This is important because it will ensure that you are “all good.” Be specific, be generous, and be sincere. Remember the whole goal of the night is so that you (the two of you, “you”) will be better.
  7. Make sure the environment is conducive to the conversation – If your favorite restaurant is loud, you are time constrained, or you worry that people will overhear, pick at different time or place. Pick a “safe” and comfortable place. Doing this in public, though, will ensure that nobody loses it and starts tossing plates. (Kidding).

So, what to ask? Here are a few suggestions, but you really need to think up and ask some of your own that will help you get to the bottom of what you want to know about YOU!

Sample Questions:

  • If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
  • Have I done anything to hurt you recently? If so, what?
  • Do any of my friendships make you uncomfortable?
  • What’s one thing that I do that bothers you that I don’t seem to realize?
  • Is there anything that you’re nervous to talk to me about? If so, what is it?
  • In what ways do you ever feel disrespected by me?
  • In what ways would you like to change our level of emotional intimacy?
  • In what ways would you like to change our level of physical intimacy?
  • In what ways do I cause you to feel unloved?
  • Do you have any secrets that you’ve been afraid to tell me?

Still with me? Good. I promise that the effort of this kind of conversation is worth it.

I know that it takes a good dose of courage to knowingly walk into these kinds of conversations. Still, after years of having these chats, I promise you that they are extremely helpful in closing gaps and building your relationship.

And in all instances, remember to be kind to each other….

…and splurge on dessert once you’ve finished talking. Conflict navigation burns a great deal of calories and you can eat it guilt-free.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

May 8, 2012

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3 Ways to Find Your Blind Spots

“It isn’t that they can’t see the solution.  It is that they can’t see the problem.”  — G.K. Chesterton

My seven-year-old has a epic set of cowlicks on top of his head.  He wakes up most mornings with a “bed head” that’s awesomely photo worthy. Taming his mane takes a good bit of water and brush work.  However, when he’s getting ready for school, he only pays attention to the hair that he can see while looking straight into the mirror.

Every morning he claims to be ready for school when I ask,  but when I spin him around, he’s typically missed combing the back of his head.  In other words, he’s “business in the front, chaos in the back.”  If he had put his hand (or, heaven forbid, the brush) back there, he would have felt it.  If he had moved his head and gotten a different view in the mirror, he would have seen it.  But instead, he consistently makes it MY job to point out the problem.

For some reason, he can’t remember to check his “blind spot” – the back of his head – in the mirror.

Of course, we all are a little bit like my son, aren’t we?

We know that we have blind spots, but we don’t do much to use the “mirrors” (or the people) around us to help.  Instead, we put others in the uncomfortable/frustrating/annoying position of calling us out (or, worse, simply standing by to silently notice “the chaos” in our life or personality).  What we all need most is direct, candid, and specific feedback, but it’s rare to have that happen in a normal day.

Instead, we have to develop skills at using the best “mirror” that our life can have… those around us who care about us and desire to see us improve. Using the mirrors means LOOKING to them for input.

As painful as it is to invite others to help us discover our blind spots, doing so gives us a HUGE opportunity to grow and improve.  So the question becomes, how DO you check for blind spots in your life?  Here’s three ideas…

1. Focus on Developing Self-Awareness – As I’ve said before – Awareness proceeds choice and choice proceeds change.  For many of us, becoming self-aware takes work!  Most of us traipse through life saying, “I’m not aware that I have any self-awareness issues.”  Of course you are not aware.  That is why they care called self-awareness issues.  Similarly, if you think you can see what is in your blind spot, you are kidding yourself.  That is why they are called blind spots.  To fix this, take an honest look at what dynamics exist around you consistently.  For instance:

  • Are people slow to speak up around you?  If so, maybe you’re intimidating or you  dominate the conversation.
  • Do people ignore your ideas? If so, maybe you head off topic easily, struggle with listening to others, or miss the vision.
  • Are you rarely consulted on decisions?  If so, maybe you haven’t communicated your opinions effectively.
  • Do people hide problems or mistakes from you?  If so, you might be tagged as someone who doesn’t handle challenges well, a loose cannon, or a naysayer.

There are as many different examples of blind spots as there are people.  All of us have them;  your job is to know yours.

2. Solicit Feedback on Specific Topics – General feedback rarely gives you much to work with.  (“It was fine” isn’t very helpful.) However, specific feedback arising from specific questions is gold.

  • Have you just finished a big project? Break the project into small pieces and ask for pointed feedback on specific issues.  Ask others to weigh in on the planning, communication, or execution phase.  Ask direct and pointed questions that will give you insight into where you can improve in each and every phase.
  • Did you make a presentation?  Don’t just ask someone what they thought, ask what they remember about what you said.  How was  your energy level?  Were your transitions strong?  Did anything make you laugh or think, “ah ha?”

By asking specific questions, you may be able to see what you’ve been missing.

3. Make the Environment Safe for Feedback -  When you’re looking for blind spots, never ever argue with someone’s perspective.  The worst thing that can happen is for you to invite feedback, coax out someone’s thoughts, and then slap those thoughts down.  A different perspective is exactly what you’re looking for.  Remember, you’re seeking input, not affirmation.  People who give you the feedback are acting like mirrors, reflecting back what your actions are communicating.  Don’t blame them if you don’t like what you hear.

Never, ever, argue with a mirror.  Unless you’re at a carnival, it’s speaking truth.

How do you overcome your blind spots?

May 7, 2012

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Be Yourself

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was at my cousin Laura’s wedding this past weekend and heard the nicest compliment.  At the rehearsal dinner, Laura’s sister gave a toast saying that what she learned most from her sister was how to be comfortable in her own skin.

To me, this is high praise indeed.

For so many of us, so much time, effort, and resources are spent trying to blend in to some sort of mold, mode, or model that simply isn’t who we’ve been created to be.  It’s refreshing to hear people who aren’t pursuing that strategy (and that are inspiring others to do the same)!  Laura doesn’t pursue “different” or “counter-cultural” to make a point.  She’s just comfortable being herself….so she is.

That’s how I want to roll.

That’s what I want to impress upon my children.

That’s the inspiration that I wish to share with my friends.

That’s the way that I want others to feel around me.

If you pay any attention to nature (or much time on Google looking up random facts), you’ll see that our world is filled with over 10,000 different species of birds, 7,000 varieties of apples, and 150,000 different types of butterflies. (I believe that God is an over-achiever in the creativity department.)  Imagine what our world would look like if those varieties merged together (1 type of bird, 1 type of apple, etc…).  How dull and tragic our world would be!

I am inspired by Laura to lean into my uniqueness and to embrace the distinctiveness of others.  Shouldn’t we all?

I loved the simple message of this video below.  It reminds me that, too often, we just aren’t comfortable being who we are….but that is always the best person to be.

When I grow up from Jasmin Lai on Vimeo.

How do you get comfortable in your own skin?  How do you encourage this perspective in others?

Think about it this week.  We can all learn a little from Laura.

May 6, 2012

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The 5 Minute Artichoke

” Inspector Clouseau:  A woman is like an artichoke, you must work hard to get to her heart.”  The Pink Panther

There are few foods I enjoy as much as an artichoke.  Growing up, when they were in season my mom served them up to the family on a weekly basis.  Of course, whenever I reached the “heart” of the artichoke, I was intimidated by all of the little spiky hairs (it’s a shame my adjectives haven’t improved since I was 12!!), and so my “gracious” parents always offered to finish off that part for me.

I was out of college before I realized that I had been had.  The heart is the best part of the vegetable!  I shudder to think of all of the goodness I gave away.

Alas, even knowing that, for years I rarely steamed fresh artichokes for myself because they took so stinking long to cook.  If I used my mom’s method of cooking the artichoke, I’d have to steam them on the stove top for an hour.  I usually didn’t have the patience to wait for that.

Then I discovered how to effectively use the microwave to perfectly cook an artichoke in 5 minutes.  All you need is an artichoke, plastic wrap, and a bowl just slightly larger than the artichoke.  After that, follow these easy steps:

Trim the bottom and top of the artichoke with a chef’s knife.

If you are serving the artichoke to guests, then use kitchen sheers to trim leaves that the knife misses.  THIS IS COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

 

However, it does look nice!

Next, rinse the artichoke in water being careful to leave excess water between the leaves. (This helps with the steaming process!!)

Wrap the artichoke in plastic wrap keeping as much water in the leaves as possible and put into a glass or ceramic bowl.  This is VERY IMPORTANT!  For some reason a physics person could probably explain, the artichoke won't cook properly if left sitting on its own or even in a large bowl.  Feel free to develop your own "theory" as to why, but trust me and use a bowl that fits!

 

Cook for approximately 5 minutes or until a leaf from the center of the vegetable pulls out easily.

 At this point, your artichoke is ready to eat.  However, if you want to share this deliciousness with others, it's always nice to remove the "choke" part of the vegetable.    Fortunately, it's pretty easy.  Start by separating the inner core from the outer leaves by using your fingertips.

 

Next, grab the choke at the base, give it a slight twist, and pull.

Now all that's left are the "spikey hairs" that you can scoop out with a teaspoon.

I fill the center with the dip I like the best (a teaspoon each of mustard and mayonnaise) and then nom, nom.

Seriously, there's no better way to spend 5 minutes in the kitchen.

Enjoy!

May 5, 2012

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The List : Tomo Buckhead

In my opinion, Atlanta sushi spots can be hit and miss.

I think MF Sushi is flat out spectacular.  Plus I like Sushi House Hayakawa ,and Taka Sushi and well,… I like MF Sushi.  That means that our choices are limited to three locations.  That made me super excited to find Creative Loafing’s 100 Dish  List had a new spot to visit – Tomo.

Unfortunately, weeks after The List was published (May 2011), the restaurant closed and relocated to Buckhead.  They reopened this Fall, but I finally made it over there a few weeks ago. I have to say, it was ENTIRELY worth the wait.  Not only is the dish from The List fabulous, the menu has plenty of incredible options.  Here’s a quick tour:

Yellowtail Serano Sashimi:  Imagine a mild fish with just a hint of heat and garlic and you’ll start to get the idea of this dish.  This was the first thing we ate and I didn’t think any other dish was going to come close.  I was wrong.

Tomo Uni:  This is the dish that was recommended on The List.  I've never been a sea urchin fan - the texture creeps me out, but this was assembled in such a way that it was delicious.  The uni was wrapped in seaweed, flash fried and served with a salsa that was at least as flavorful as the fish!  I can see why the dish made the list, though I the price ($25) for the bite size dish is not necessarily where I'd blow my budget.

Live Lobster with Quail Egg:  I'm afraid to put too many words around describing this dish.  A girlfriend of mine went into all of the details and I nearly skipped the experience.  So, if you go to Tomo, order, eat, and enjoy this unusually scrumptious dish!

Shima-Aji Spicy Carpaccio:   If you categorically don't eat "raw fish" this is the dish to change that.  The pieces are so thinly sliced and the flavor is so mellow, that you'll be a sashimi convert.  Be sure to eat each piece with a bit of the salsa.  Mmmm.

Salmon roll:  The salmon roll came wrapped in cucumber and served with braised seaweed.  YUM!

Black Cod Boston:  When MF Sushi had a Buckhead location they served a black cod dish that I loved.  Tomo's version almost matches up. The flavor of the fish was fantastic.  However, I found the lettuce wrap distracting to the fish.

Breakfast for dessert (I don't recall the official name!).  Our waitress said that this was the most photographed dessert in Atlanta, and it's easy to see why.  The "bacon" is dried fruit.  The egg "yolk" is mango and the egg "white" is a coconut panne cotta.  The "salt & pepper" on the side are cinnamon and sugar while the" ketchup" is a raspberry sauce.  Definitely a visually fun dessert.  As for the taste - meh.  Not as good as it looks!  I'd make an alternative selection.

The chocolate dessert comes disguised as a plant.  The visual appeal is less exciting than the breakfast schtick, but the taste is better.  Still, not a home run.  Unless you HAVE to finish every meal with chocolate, I'd opt for the last dessert below.

20 Crepe Cake:  You could pair a single crepe with practically anything and I'll be a happy camper.  Put 20 of them together with creme, a little chocolate and strawberry -- Wow!  I may have to make this a consistent stop whenever Billy and I have another Progressive Dining adventure.

Of course, Tomo has sushi rolls and we ordered our fair share.  They were terrific, but I can't imagine filling up on a roll when there's so much more to explore on the menu.

Seriously delicious!!

May 4, 2012

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Kids’ Books: Six New Classics

If you’ve ever read a book to a kid, you know how the favorites get into rotation and how difficult it can be to break in something new.  However, for the love of every person who is tired of reading Green Eggs & Ham for the gazillionth time, here are some new books that will stand the test of time AND repetition.  As I wrote before, I like these books because of they provide a great tool for discussing our values with our kids.

If you’re not familiar with the work of Saxton Freymann & Joost Elffers, put How Are You Peeling on your short list of purchases to make.  This picture book shows foods that are given emotions such as jealousy, shyness, and loneliness.

I love Not A Box by Antoinette Portis because of how it encourages creative thinking.