“Social media has infected the world with a sickening virus called vanity.”

Whether you commute to work on a plane, train, or automobile, there are unwritten rules the majority of people seem to follow specific to that environment. If you’re flying, please don’t keep loose change in your pocket and make others wait for you to fish it all out before security. On the subway, stand to the side while others exit the train. In the car, close the gaps with the car in front of you.

The behavioral norms in transportation are lengthy, and if you’re new to the process and fail to fall into the “normal,” expect to see evil eyes, sharp words, or loud horns.

In a similar way, in the social media world there are those  who are just as irritable as rush-hour commuters. These are the people who only want to hear pithy comments, see artistic quality images, and hear what’s unique. Of course, it helps if you agree with their particular brand of politics and music choices.

The entire dynamic is fascinating to watch.

Just tonight I saw a tweet where a person said, “Hey Facebook world – I get it! Your dinner looks amazing!”

Ouch.

Is there a norm we missed?

People enjoy celebrating the ordinary events of their lives: a beautiful sunset, a colorful dinner, their baby’s smile. Not every day has a wedding, graduation, or otherwise “newsworthy” event, but seeing value in little things makes days seem less mundane and more magnificent. Is that now off limits?

Of course, Twitter defines “snarky” space, but still, the hostility is close to the surface in comments across all mediums. (I won’t digress into the hate comments people make in the blogosphere – not my readers, but lots of places I go!) For some reason, Facebook, particularly in the political space, is blamed for making people negative. And, in a broader sense, social media has the bad rap for “infecting” the world with vanity.

However, it seems to me social media doesn’t create these virtues in people, but merely reveals them.

If you’re angry behind the wheel of a car, you’re probably grumpy on Twitter. Do you talk about yourself all of the time at the office? Then maybe the constant stream of Instagram selfies aren’t unexpected.

We shouldn’t expect quirks to differ between what we know of people in three dimensions and how they are in the social space. (In other words, I don’t just write about food A LOT, but I talk about food A LOT!)

Don’t blame the medium, when maybe you just don’t like the “friend.”

Ouch. Was that too strong?! : )

P.S. Any ideas why I would pick the picture above?

She was extremely grateful the family and the dog made it safely out, but she used to talk about how she wished she had some baby pictures.

She’d talk about great it would be to have a single trinket from childhood; that she missed having small, symbolic links to her past. She had hoped to wear her mom’s wedding dress when she was married and loved her grandparents’ clock that used to be in the living room. She had saved her track ribbons and kept scrapbooks from grade school, but all of those things were gone.

She’d talk about the fire as though it just happened even though a decade had passed.  The memory always seemed close to the surface.

Whenever I see survivors of tornadoes in Oklahoma and Texas, I think about my girlfriend and how her lens on life was forever altered. I think about the people now facing unspeakable loss of not merely property but of life.

I consider their shock, the loss, and the recovery, and I realize my words don’t work. I don’t know what to say.

But still, I can empathize, we can all empathize, and we can do something.

We can donate to national relief organizations such as the Red Cross, The Salvation Army, or local churches. We can support those who are working on the ground and serving others selflessly.

We don’t know every individual’s needs, but we do know they are loved by God and he can meet them in the middle of their pain. We can listen, we can pray.

I have a friend, let’s call her “Gabby,” who sees the negative in most communication she receives.

When Gabby listens to a voicemail saying, “give me a call, we need to catch up,” she predicts bad news.  A vague email makes her almost as anxious as a scathing one.  My theory is she reacts this way because she’s young and inexperienced, but that’s imprecise; she’s not THAT young nor is she particularly inexperienced.

Gabby’s just fragile.

As her friend, I wish I could peel open her head and dump in a huge batch of confidence. I wish she could see what others see in her.  I wish she knew that people like her and are cheering her on.  I wish she were more durable.

Granted, there may be a part of Gabby that’s wired to be nervous, but I also see her systematically protecting herself by surrounding herself with peers who are weaker versions of herself.  I watch her wince at negative input, and she’s slowing insulating herself out of fear of criticism or something else (I can only guess).  She hasn’t asked for my advice, but if I could mentor her, I’d give her at least a few steps to thicken her skin.  These are the things I’d tell her:

Seek Negative Feedback

The biggest opportunity for growth is understanding where you’ve failed.  If you’ve made a mistake, dropped a ball, or missed expectations, the WORST possible outcome is to not realize there’s a problem.  If you can’t hear the notes of a song, you shouldn’t be in the choir. If your job performance isn’t meeting expectations, or has room for growth, FIND OUT!  Don’t accept praise without simultaneously asking, “What could I have done better?”

Move Toward Messes

Most people avoid messes, but when you learn how to cope with chaos, you build your confidence.  Every situation that falls apart is a growth opportunity.  Lee Iacococa didn’t find make his mark while working at Ford, but had to move to bankrupt Chrysler to have an impact. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her newsroom job because she was always getting too emotionally invested in her stories.  When my doctor friends talk about their rotation through the hospital Emergency Room, they cite the growth of working in such a demanding environment. Look at your messes as similar training!

Know Your Strengths

When you know your strengths, you’ll be less embarrassed by your weaknesses.  If you don’t have “WOO” (“Winning Others Over”) and you were intimidated by hosting an event, you know why.  If someone assigns you to an analytical project and you’re thrilled by running numbers, you can lean into your sweet spot.  When you understand how to work out of your strengths, you’re more likely to outsource those areas where you’re weak AND do so without apology!

Find a healthy perspective

Everyone benefits from discipline, but a slap on the hand shouldn’t crumple your self-esteem.  You’re less than perfect and others know it.  So what? Don’t dismiss and don’t inflate the input.  Instead, acknowledge, adjust, and move on.  If you’re unable to do this, do something (anything) where you’re serving someone else.  By doing so, you’ll shift your focus away your situation and give you a new perspective.

What practices have helped you be more durable?

The restaurant, one of Shaun Doty’s creations, is all about poultry and does chicken like no one else.  So if you’re on any kind of protein-centric, caveman-esque diet (or if you just love great chicken), this is a great place to go.  Ordering one-fourth or one-half a chicken with a side will keep anyone happy!  (Shown with ratatouille and fruit and the Periperi sauce on the side- yum!)My favorite thing on the menu is, easily, the Cobb Salad. Of course, there’s a dearth of good salads in Atlanta, so I can’t help but be excited about a dish so perfectly balanced. See the avocados? Nom. Nom. I like the carrot ginger vinaigrette, but the Vidalia onion is tasty too.If you’re in the mood for a sandwich, the California club is like having the Cobb Salad on a baguette. Nothing wrong with that option!

The Chicken Salad Pita is on a wonderful pita, but, like most places in my opinion, the mayonnaise is overplayed.

Whatever you do, experiment with the tasty sides! I love the kale salad and the spinach and quinoa is tasty too (pictured).  It’s nice to have options which are healthy!

However, like any good establishment in the South, Mac & Cheese is a must.  They do a nice job making you think you can eat a ton of pasta and not gain weight. This is dangerous!

I bet this place does a killer breakfast!  Who wants to meet me there??

This is what you need:

• 1 package cream cheese
• 1 can Rotel (or diced tomatoes & green chiles)
• 4 chopped green onions
• 1 bunch of cilantro
• 2 cloves garlic, smashed and roughly chopped
• 1 1/2 Tablespoons chili powder
• 1 teaspoon each cumin, oregano, paprika (smoked paprika if you have it)
• Red Pepper flakes & Cayenne pepper to taste
• 1-2 cups cooked and chopped chicken breasts (without the skin)
• 1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese

Put all but the last two ingredients (the chicken & cheese) in a food processor and process until smooth.  After processing, transfer to a bowl and adjust the seasoning (in case you want more heat!)

Stir in chicken and cheese and refrigerate overnight.Serve with tortilla or pita chips.Boom! Done! Enjoy!

What?

I always had the dry cleaner repair my jeans, unaware that for $3.00 I could buy some iron-on patches at the grocery store and do it myself. That’s at least a $2.00 savings!

Brilliant!

How hard can it be to patch a pair of pants? I read the instructions and executed the procedure perfectly.  Exhibit A.

Over the next few months I noticed MY favorite jeans were developing a hole too, but since I wasn’t sure where I put the leftover patches from Billy’s repair job, I ignored the tatters. Ripped jeans can be cool, I reasoned (only later realizing that was my 1980’s fashion sense speaking).  Then, a few days later, a second pair of jeans developed a tiny tear in the crotch area (sorry about the icky word!) and I knew I had to get serious about finding the patches.

The iron-on patch stash eventually turned up in the laundry room (I see my logic in hindsight), but the directions were long gone. I remembered everything being easy, so I slid the patch into the pants leg with the dark side of the fabric facing the hole and ironed on the knee.

Fail #1  – Evidently, the opaque side of the patch, not the dark side, faces the hole. In my case, I had just ironed a patch on the inside back of the knee. Fine. What’s a little stiff patch on the back a of a knee when it’s a favorite pair of jeans?  Fortunately the front one took, so now I’ve got a pair of twin patches inside my pants leg.

The second set of jeans proved a little trickier.  The tear was happening at the seam of the crotch so I had to do some tricky cutting and ironing to get the patch to take. Still, at least I got the sticky part on the right side.  All was well.  Or so I thought.

Fail #2 happened when I wore the jeans with the strained inseam to work. I was getting out of my car I heard the tear reappear…and felt a draft where air currents should not typically flow.  Um. OK.I was heading into a day of back-to back meetings with no margin for running out to the grocery store to grab safety pens. What to do? What to do?

The only option was to fish around the office for a solution.  The best alternative I could find was to use packing tape to seal the tear.

Win #1 – I highly recommend this solution.  Granted, there’s no getting over the awkward feeling of sitting on tape, but it DOES hold the fabric together nicely.  (Guaranteed Pinterest win)

Fail #3 – I soon realized packing tape, when twisted (as in the movement caused by walking when it is affixed to ones crotch region) is loud.

Win #2 – Another assessment of office solutions helped me see that water bottles in a fidgety hand sound similar to packing tape. Ergo, if you carry a bottle with you wherever you go, people assume what they are hearing is the water bottle and not packing tape in your crotch.  (PLEASE humor me and tell me that’s what people assume they hear.)

So, that’s it.

For those of you keeping score, the fails still outnumber the wins. I end the day behind but vow to try again the next day.  My lesson: trust the dry cleaner.

After all, I am human, just like you and put my pants on one double-patched leg and packing tape crotch at a time.

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

I remember seeing Dr. Joyce Brothers on TV as a kid and thinking she was REALLY smart (she used big words I didn’t understand) and wondering why she always seemed so serious. I’m just familiar enough with Dr. Brothers that when I heard she died this week, I clicked through to her obituary in The Hollywood Reporter.

From this article, I learned that the good doctor got her start by appearing on the game show the $64,000 Question and won the show on the topic of boxing.

Boxing?! I thought, WHY boxing?

As it turns out, the producers of the show thought it would be interesting for a woman to be an expert in boxing, so Dr. Brothers decided to study up on the subject. Not only did she win the show, she was then given the chance to be a color commentator during a CBS Boxing match. This started the rest of her TV career as the first, and most successful, “media psychologist.”

All because she decided to learn something about boxing.

This is remarkable to me and reminds me to continue to push to learn something new. What about you?

Have you tried anything new this week?

A new food?

A different route to work?

Have you talked to someone you generally don’t interact with?

Have you made a new friend?

Is there a new craft you’ve tackled or skill you’ve tried?

Have you held your tongue when you usually speak quickly?

Did you empower your kids to tackle something you usually do for them?

Did you send the note, make the phone call, or text some encouragement out?

Have you followed your routine or have you broken out of the “typical”?  How have you stretched your muscles to GROW? Remember, the days add up and your life will reflect the series of small decisions you make every day.

There’s still a couple of days left in the week, so try something different.

Give yourself an hour, or ten minutes to PLAY at something you’ve never done before. You don’t know where it could lead!

That’s 428 weeks, or more importantly, 428 weekends.
107 months
8 years.

Approximately.  But who’s counting?  We are!

Oh yes, we’re counting.  We believe when you count the days, you’re more likely to make the days count.

We’ve installed the apps and numbered every spring break, summer break, and “back to school” activity (8 for our daughter/10 for our son).  We are counting how many times they’ll want to celebrate Halloween with the family (3/5), how many years they’ll still decorate Valentine’s boxes (1/3) and how many days we’ll walk them to the bus stop (180/540).

In the same way it’s unwise to live with credit card debt, it’s equally unwise to ignore the limits on time.  When an app on your phone ticks away the days to an event as momentous as college,  it’s easier to pay attention.  Paying attention is, after all, half of the battle.

After that, however, what practical steps are there for making the days count?

We take a page from the “business” side of our brains.  In fact, Billy and I discuss managing the time with our kids like managing our money (hang with me here!); we set goals, budget activities, track our progress, and flex and adjust as situations require.

After all, the only way to set a financial budget is to know how much money you have on hand.  Similarly, the only way to make the most of your years with your children / teenagers is be crystal clear on how much time you have left.  For us, we picked a “distant” marker, when both of our worlds radically shifts as they shove off to college.  Though you may feels like there’s plenty of time left,  most college bound parents say, “Weren’t you a baby just yesterday?”

It will go faster than you think.  Guaranteed.

Goal Setting

We work to have a clear vision for how we want our family to operate. We struggle (and often fail) to reach our goals, but the process brings clarity on where we want to be.   Our ideal is has three factors, we want to:

1. Be together on weekends
2. Eat together most nights, and
3. Have enough rest that we’re not grumpy.

When those three things happen, our family dynamics work.  Those are the elements for our ideal (again, we miss this, but that’s our encouragement to keep trying!) We also notice that all three of those goals are dependent on a healthy supply of time together…and that time will slip through our fingers if we don’t keep an eye on it.

Can you describe YOUR family’s ideal? Are you all on the same page?

Budgeting Activities

When we think about budgeting activities, we ask ourselves one question, “Does this activity help or hurt us from reaching our family goal?”  This is a a VERY tough question and a difficult criteria for us to work through.

For me, spending an extra day on the road is often appealing (especially if I’m in CA), but I have to decide whether the decision works for this season of life or whether I need to hurry home. In a similar way, as a pastor, my husband has a demanding job where more people want more of his time than he can manage, so he has to say “no” more often than “yes.”

We apply the same filter to our kids activities. Will sports involvement kill family dinner time? If so, we usually say no. Is the friend’s birthday party scheduled for our only time together? Pass. Do the neighborhood kids still want to play when we need some family time? Sorry, time to go home.

Some days it seems we say no to activities and events outside of our family more often than yes. Still, we work to remember why.  Extra-curricular activity is EXTRA; which means it’s optional and should be added as an accessory, not as a driver.   If  the activity doesn’t help the goals (or actually hinders them), it has to take a backseat.

Are they hard conversations?  Yes.

But, are they important decisions? Absolutely.

We still feel like our kids get plenty of exposure to outside relationships, life-shaping experiences, and fun activities, but it just isn’t at the expense of our family.

Our goal is to have a under-committed calendar so we can say yes spontaneously (and joyfully) when an opportunity to be together exists.  If you know us, you know our yes is more likely to happen last minute than upfront.

Think of it as paying for activities in CASH rather than CREDIT!

Tracking Progress

Goal setting and budgeting activities aren’t enough unless you routinely ask, “Are our tactics working?”  You HAVE to evaluate your progress.  For us, we have three simple steps:

1. Calendar Check – Are we happy with the space and activities on our calendar?  What needs to come in and what needs go out?
2. Date Nights - Margin is one of our topics on awkward date nights.
3. Ask the kids – We routinely ask the kids if they feel like they have enough time with them.  Be ready for honest feedback!

Do you know if your tactics are working?

Flex & Adjust

Finally, you have to realize the seasonality of time and make adjustments often.  I can confidently say our formula won’t work for you because just when we get a “formula” down for us, something changes and our formula doesn’t work any more.  Life happens and our schedules aren’t there to boss us around; we boss schedules around! The goal isn’t to find a system an rigidly stick with it, but to develop principles for your decisions.

The goal is to intentionally and wisely invest your time.  You don’t mindlessly give away large piles of money.  Why would you mindlessly give away buckets of family time?

I have a wise friend who reflects on her season as a mom with small children by saying, ” The days are long, but the years are quick.” Be strategic in setting your goals, ruthless in budgeting activities, diligent in tracking your progress, and flexible along the path!

Remember… when you count the days, you’re more likely to make the days count.

Start counting and make them count!

What drives our avoidance? Fear? Apathy? Laziness?

Maybe your feelings were bumped or bruised and you knew (you just KNEW) you weren’t supposed to “let it go,” but that you needed to talk it out.  Perhaps it was a curt word from a colleague or a brush-off from a friend; maybe your spouse made you feel uncomfortable or your kids were making poor choices. It could be as simple as correcting a fact (“My name is Joy, not Joyce.”) or as awful as owning a mistake (“I forgot to include you.”)

Even if you decide to dance around issues at home, confronting people at work is necessary if you’re going to be an effective leader, colleague, and employee.  You have to be willing to engage in the awkwardness and push through the emotions in a situation.

Last week I was talking to a friend who was historically an “avoider” who decided she was going to engage in difficult encounters whenever needed and do so as quickly as possible.

“What changed?” I asked.

“Well, I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable.”

I must have looked puzzled because she continued,

“When there’s a problem, I used to walk around feeling uneasy, waiting for something to happen to clear the air.  Like maybe the person would tell me why they are being rude (or whatever) or suddenly explain what’s going on. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable. I figure if I engage with them THEY might feel uncomfortable with the conversation, but then it’s not just me. I figure it’s their turn and besides, then we have the chance of making things better.”

What you don’t know about this person is that she’s no “issue” vigilante, calling people out for random bad behavior. She is thoughtful and reserved. She’s also committed to healthy relationships. She isn’t going to let her emotions dictate her response.

I liked her logic and, among other things, it encourages me to go ahead and “talk it out” sooner rather than later.

Let your uncomfortableness be a motivation.

Be always lavish of your caresses, and sparing in your corrections.

I received a text this weekend which was so kind, so heartfelt, and so flat-out encouraging, that I’m still awash in gratitude for the person who reached out to me. Can you recall when someone encouraged you in such a way? Maybe it was a note or a phone call.  Perhaps it was a conversation over lunch or a surprise gift in your mailbox.

We’ve all been on the receiving end, but when’s the last time you decided to make someone’s day by strategically speaking a kind word into their lives?

I am inspired by my friend’s words.

I want to spin people around this week the way that text message spun ME around.

After all, shooting someone a text message with a quick “well done” or “I appreciate you” or “you inspire me” won’t require much time.  An email, or snail mail, or a catch up call – anything works.  All that’s demanded is A Plan and a little follow through!

Of course, I love A Plan and I work best off of lists (if you know about my eating adventures, you know this to be true!), so here are my targets:

Monday- A Family Member

Tuesday – A Friend

Wednesday – A Coworker

Thursday – A Neighbor

Friday – A Familiar Stranger

Saturday – A Stranger

Sunday – Wild card!

Who’s with me??

I bet it will make your week too!